You have time to think, you ruminate and dwell on things, you ask questions of your questions… You worry a lot, here are some of mine…
What this means for the rest of my life
That your condition is different, not being described and thus you are the bad person you think you are:
“Every person with OCD is unique. Every person with OCD whom we have treated has at least one feature that we have not seen before”
p.10, Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
If only I was worried about what that person is worried about, I’d be able to overcome it:
I have found I have been able to start overcoming my fear of contamination
Feeling like you don’t know who you are anymore:
I have always thought of myself as a kind, caring person; a gentleman. When you suddenly find this thrown into question and not only this, but someone you fear being is presented to you, it’s incredibly scary. You begin to overthink everything
I now realise I am a person who has always worried over these thoughts, it’s just n the past I have been able to move on from them far quicker. But lately there had been more opportunities for them to present themselves to me and I feels like they built to a point, which although felt like a shock to the system, and certainly in terms of the intensity at which it hit me and how much it turned my life upside down, that was circumstantial, and if not now, it probably would have hit me at some point.
Believing is the hardest part:
I can read the text books, I can have the discussions, I can undertake CBT, I can write it down on this website… I can be told and tell myself that I am not the person I fear I am, theory wise it all makes perfect sense to me, I understand it… it’s believing it that is the hardest part in all this to me.
Possibly because I am such a worrier and an over thinker (and as I write this I’m thinking, you’re just making excuses for yourself).
Feeling like a fraud:
You may believe that maybe these aren’t intrusive thoughts and that you really are a bad person and therefore being a fraud when you want to help others.
You might feel that if your family or friends knew the thoughts that were going on inside your head then they would want absolutely nothing to do with you and think you were a horrible person. This may cause you to be quiet in social situations, or feel like you do not deserve to be having a good time, or enjoy their company. In fact you may feel like you don’t deserve to be having a good time because of your intrusive thoughts.
Maybe I’m using OCD as an excuse:
You may be thinking that because you have experienced certain intrusive thoughts at various stages throughout your life, that this person you are afraid of being or becoming has been within you all along. Remember that it is perfectly normal to experience intrusive thoughts – everybody has them – and if you have had repeated ones throughout your life it is likely to be because of who you are as a person, not that it is who you are.
That you are being irresponsible and could cause someone harm if you do not do it:
‘It’s better to be safe’ than sorry:
What if I am this person, just someone who would never act upon it.
If believing it is the hardest part, this for me if the scariest question my mind has managed to conjure up for me! I suppose it comes back to the believing again, but if like me you can’t sit with not knowing, or uncertainty it’s just so difficult.